Who is She?
Self-Portrait Project
Allyson Steffensmeier
Self-Portrait
Flash Fiction
Shattered Dreams
She had a good childhood. Her secure family gave rise to a joyous, playful and outgoing child. Her childhood was planned out to provide a smooth path to adulthood. She was bright and ready for her future. Just like most children, she had rules to follow. She could still remember most of them: do not pick your nose; say please and thank you; do not talk at church; clean your room; do your homework; set the table; stop getting in the way; go to your room. But the only decision that was completely hers was gymnastics. She had dedicated her childhood to the sport. The commands set the guidelines for gymnastics. She expected perfection. She had set immense goals for herself and was approaching these goals at only fifteen years old. All of that was about to change. Just two weeks before what was supposed to be the greatest competition season of her life, she crashed. She yelped in pain while her bones shattered. Her tailbone was demolished. Her perfect season was finished before it began.
Something inside of her nudged her to do strength and conditioning while her tailbone healed. Her eyes were fixed on the end goal: A college scholarship. She pushed through the obstacles and the pain because her sights were aimed towards her target. Until, during her senior year, the destination appeared to be further than it was the year before. Her future was dramatically changed, and she was stuck at a fork in the road.
She was stuck in this gray area for a long time. The question everyone asked her kept roaming through her brain: Are you going to do gymnastics in college? Stress was building on her shoulders while she felt her dreams disappear from her view. She had always been a confident gymnast with huge goals, but gymnastics was waning from her daily thoughts. She pretended like it wasn’t true, but instead of dreaming about gymnastics in her future, she began to question why she continued gymnastics when her broken body could barely walk. She practiced every day while her teammates ridiculed her pain and envied her talent. The future that she envisioned seemed unrealistic. She felt discouraged and confused. It was as if she was wobbling on a balance beam down an unknown path. An object that she loved suddenly felt so challenging. She had conquered challenges before, so she thought she could just stumble through the last seven months of high school and possibly the end of her gymnastics career. However, avoiding the road in front of her pushed her into other obstacles.
After her friends ditched her and she had a screaming match with her father, she vowed to be aware and attentive. Her eyes were finally opened to the pain and difficulties of the world and she began to witness other types of discrimination. She recognized her caring and sharing personality. She understood her own implicit biases and used them to understand others and build relationships with new friends. She took the time to think deeply about herself and her future. Although she struggled to make any decisions, she realized that her past will never change. The people who supported her then will support her forever. There is no reason to look back because she is only going forward. It didn’t matter if the future consisted of gymnastics. She knew her future would always be bright.
Artist's Statement
The portrait exposes the transition between high school and adulthood. The photograph is of me walking along a fallen tree. I have one arm up and one arm down, emphasizing the feeling of wobbling through life. The background is in black and white because not only am I wobbling, I am in a gray area with an unknown future. I am looking away from the baby pictures that represent my past because my past will not change. The baby photos are in color because it was a great childhood with lots of colorful moments. It was important to add baby photos because it exposes the side of me that most people don’t get to see. I am serious on the outside, but I act like a silly child on the inside. On the other hand, I am looking towards my future because that is where I focus my thoughts. The pictures on the right are colorful because they represent the future. I know the future will be bright no matter what path I take. In the front is a tree branch. It represents the obstacles that will obstruct my path. Even with an unknown path, I am being my silly, bossy and confident self. I am smiling through the journey in a light-colored dress, representing my innocence. I am holding my shoes because I am enjoying the journey. The background has a lighter color ring around the outside that focuses the picture on me. It serves as the tunnel vision that I tend to have. The flash fiction represents the mental struggle of never finishing a goal. It focuses on making decisions and the pressures people experience by themselves and other people. The story never states the name of the character. This exemplifies the character’s lack of identity. She doesn’t know who she is. In addition, the italics represent the thoughts running through her head. The fact that the thoughts are always someone else’s words emphasize the character’s tendency to accept and follow other people’s ideas. At the end, the character became much more aware of herself and shifted internally to become a better person.
The story explains real life examples that were represented in the photo, such as the gray area that many students feel stuck in. As the character approaches her senior year, she realizes her plans are not going to end like she envisioned. In addition, the obstacle represented as a tree branch is explained as a friend break up. I’m half smiling in the portrait like the character pretending that she still wanted to do gymnastics. The portrait is looking away from the past, just like the character does. Eventually the character realizes that the future is bright, just like the colorful pictures on the right. In the past two months, I have realized my personality is not what I originally thought. I am kind and caring but there is more than that. I am silly, funny and outgoing. But I’m not perfect. I stereotype and modify information. Thus, the self-portrait is not perfect. It is not a perfect smile, nor am I looking at the camera. However, the self-portrait shows my sillier side that most people don’t get to see. It shows how I really am a child at heart, which limits my ability to filter my words and actions. I have learned who I really am.
Reflection
Americans don’t see color. They are not biased or judgmental. They don’t discriminate. The United States had an African American president, so we have overcome our biases, and everyone is on an equal playing field. But, if we really had overcome our biases, there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over police brutality. Our implicit biases prevent society from moving forward. Society believes that the homeless guy on the street decided not to get an education, so he couldn’t get a good job. What if that homeless guy didn’t grow up with loving people who read to him? That would put him behind and weaken his opportunity for future success. He would need outside help to build his knowledge and to recover the time previously wasted. Unfortunately, people aren’t always wearing equality sunglasses ready to help others in need. Society unconsciously wears blinders that are biased towards certain groups of people.
Society cannot remove these blinders until they admit that they exist. Kristen Pressner had to deny a female’s request but accept a male’s request before she opened her eyes to her own biases. She said, “I am biased towards women leaders even though I am a woman” (Pressner). It was a shocking revolution for Pressner. Biases occur everywhere and affects everyone, even children. However, society calls it bullying instead of bias. “I feel like no one wanted me here,” said a young transgender child (“Growing”). As the PBS Frontline video explains, these children are just children. They need love and support, but bias shames transgender children instead. Unfortunately, bias is not the only blinder that influences one’s view. Motivated reasoning modifies incoming information to fit personal views. In her TED talk, Julia Galef states, “Depending on what you believe you are motivated to agree or disagree” (Galef). Just like people unconsciously form stereotypes, they also unconsciously ignore certain information. Thus, even if they are told they are biased, people can ignore it, making it difficult for implicit biases to be accepted. However, everyone forms implicit biases that need to be understood before humanity can move forward.
Stereotypes can negatively affect opportunities for many people. Opportunities pave the path for a successful future, but some people are never given these chances. At the same time, biases limit the ability to rebuild opportunities. This may have been the case for the homeless man. He is probably stuck in the poverty cycle, a seemingly unbreakable period of poverty that has continued through generations (Hammond). It is essential to gain outside help to break this cycle, but bias prevents this support. He might never have a normal life because bias leads people to be selfish. Even though implicit biases dramatically affect many lives, it can be hard to recognize bias. However, in order to prevent stereotyping in the future, it is vital that society recognizes biases. Dr. Baran from Harvard University states, “That's one of my missions actually: to get people to understand race and reduce bias” (Baran & Herron). However, most people have not experienced the realizations that Pressner experienced. Or, if they have, they still might not understand bias. A couple of years ago a teacher overheard an explanation of my living situation and immediately said, “Really? You seem very well adjusted.” The teacher assumed good students lived with two biological parents. Although his assumption was incorrect, it proves that stereotyping occurs daily and can affect anyone. However, I did not understand that he was expressing his bias until very recently. Hence, it is easy to misunderstand bias. Other times, people believe that they are colorblind because of motivated reasoning. Thus, those who understand implicit bias must spread the word and explain to others how they can improve. No one is perfect nor colorblind. The future of society is in the hands of our youth. Therefore, it is imperative that our youth understand implicit bias and motivated reasoning. Then stereotypes and biases will finally be a thing of the past and humanity will move towards equality.
She had a good childhood. Her secure family gave rise to a joyous, playful and outgoing child. Her childhood was planned out to provide a smooth path to adulthood. She was bright and ready for her future. Just like most children, she had rules to follow. She could still remember most of them: do not pick your nose; say please and thank you; do not talk at church; clean your room; do your homework; set the table; stop getting in the way; go to your room. But the only decision that was completely hers was gymnastics. She had dedicated her childhood to the sport. The commands set the guidelines for gymnastics. She expected perfection. She had set immense goals for herself and was approaching these goals at only fifteen years old. All of that was about to change. Just two weeks before what was supposed to be the greatest competition season of her life, she crashed. She yelped in pain while her bones shattered. Her tailbone was demolished. Her perfect season was finished before it began.
Something inside of her nudged her to do strength and conditioning while her tailbone healed. Her eyes were fixed on the end goal: A college scholarship. She pushed through the obstacles and the pain because her sights were aimed towards her target. Until, during her senior year, the destination appeared to be further than it was the year before. Her future was dramatically changed, and she was stuck at a fork in the road.
She was stuck in this gray area for a long time. The question everyone asked her kept roaming through her brain: Are you going to do gymnastics in college? Stress was building on her shoulders while she felt her dreams disappear from her view. She had always been a confident gymnast with huge goals, but gymnastics was waning from her daily thoughts. She pretended like it wasn’t true, but instead of dreaming about gymnastics in her future, she began to question why she continued gymnastics when her broken body could barely walk. She practiced every day while her teammates ridiculed her pain and envied her talent. The future that she envisioned seemed unrealistic. She felt discouraged and confused. It was as if she was wobbling on a balance beam down an unknown path. An object that she loved suddenly felt so challenging. She had conquered challenges before, so she thought she could just stumble through the last seven months of high school and possibly the end of her gymnastics career. However, avoiding the road in front of her pushed her into other obstacles.
After her friends ditched her and she had a screaming match with her father, she vowed to be aware and attentive. Her eyes were finally opened to the pain and difficulties of the world and she began to witness other types of discrimination. She recognized her caring and sharing personality. She understood her own implicit biases and used them to understand others and build relationships with new friends. She took the time to think deeply about herself and her future. Although she struggled to make any decisions, she realized that her past will never change. The people who supported her then will support her forever. There is no reason to look back because she is only going forward. It didn’t matter if the future consisted of gymnastics. She knew her future would always be bright.
Artist's Statement
The portrait exposes the transition between high school and adulthood. The photograph is of me walking along a fallen tree. I have one arm up and one arm down, emphasizing the feeling of wobbling through life. The background is in black and white because not only am I wobbling, I am in a gray area with an unknown future. I am looking away from the baby pictures that represent my past because my past will not change. The baby photos are in color because it was a great childhood with lots of colorful moments. It was important to add baby photos because it exposes the side of me that most people don’t get to see. I am serious on the outside, but I act like a silly child on the inside. On the other hand, I am looking towards my future because that is where I focus my thoughts. The pictures on the right are colorful because they represent the future. I know the future will be bright no matter what path I take. In the front is a tree branch. It represents the obstacles that will obstruct my path. Even with an unknown path, I am being my silly, bossy and confident self. I am smiling through the journey in a light-colored dress, representing my innocence. I am holding my shoes because I am enjoying the journey. The background has a lighter color ring around the outside that focuses the picture on me. It serves as the tunnel vision that I tend to have. The flash fiction represents the mental struggle of never finishing a goal. It focuses on making decisions and the pressures people experience by themselves and other people. The story never states the name of the character. This exemplifies the character’s lack of identity. She doesn’t know who she is. In addition, the italics represent the thoughts running through her head. The fact that the thoughts are always someone else’s words emphasize the character’s tendency to accept and follow other people’s ideas. At the end, the character became much more aware of herself and shifted internally to become a better person.
The story explains real life examples that were represented in the photo, such as the gray area that many students feel stuck in. As the character approaches her senior year, she realizes her plans are not going to end like she envisioned. In addition, the obstacle represented as a tree branch is explained as a friend break up. I’m half smiling in the portrait like the character pretending that she still wanted to do gymnastics. The portrait is looking away from the past, just like the character does. Eventually the character realizes that the future is bright, just like the colorful pictures on the right. In the past two months, I have realized my personality is not what I originally thought. I am kind and caring but there is more than that. I am silly, funny and outgoing. But I’m not perfect. I stereotype and modify information. Thus, the self-portrait is not perfect. It is not a perfect smile, nor am I looking at the camera. However, the self-portrait shows my sillier side that most people don’t get to see. It shows how I really am a child at heart, which limits my ability to filter my words and actions. I have learned who I really am.
Reflection
Americans don’t see color. They are not biased or judgmental. They don’t discriminate. The United States had an African American president, so we have overcome our biases, and everyone is on an equal playing field. But, if we really had overcome our biases, there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over police brutality. Our implicit biases prevent society from moving forward. Society believes that the homeless guy on the street decided not to get an education, so he couldn’t get a good job. What if that homeless guy didn’t grow up with loving people who read to him? That would put him behind and weaken his opportunity for future success. He would need outside help to build his knowledge and to recover the time previously wasted. Unfortunately, people aren’t always wearing equality sunglasses ready to help others in need. Society unconsciously wears blinders that are biased towards certain groups of people.
Society cannot remove these blinders until they admit that they exist. Kristen Pressner had to deny a female’s request but accept a male’s request before she opened her eyes to her own biases. She said, “I am biased towards women leaders even though I am a woman” (Pressner). It was a shocking revolution for Pressner. Biases occur everywhere and affects everyone, even children. However, society calls it bullying instead of bias. “I feel like no one wanted me here,” said a young transgender child (“Growing”). As the PBS Frontline video explains, these children are just children. They need love and support, but bias shames transgender children instead. Unfortunately, bias is not the only blinder that influences one’s view. Motivated reasoning modifies incoming information to fit personal views. In her TED talk, Julia Galef states, “Depending on what you believe you are motivated to agree or disagree” (Galef). Just like people unconsciously form stereotypes, they also unconsciously ignore certain information. Thus, even if they are told they are biased, people can ignore it, making it difficult for implicit biases to be accepted. However, everyone forms implicit biases that need to be understood before humanity can move forward.
Stereotypes can negatively affect opportunities for many people. Opportunities pave the path for a successful future, but some people are never given these chances. At the same time, biases limit the ability to rebuild opportunities. This may have been the case for the homeless man. He is probably stuck in the poverty cycle, a seemingly unbreakable period of poverty that has continued through generations (Hammond). It is essential to gain outside help to break this cycle, but bias prevents this support. He might never have a normal life because bias leads people to be selfish. Even though implicit biases dramatically affect many lives, it can be hard to recognize bias. However, in order to prevent stereotyping in the future, it is vital that society recognizes biases. Dr. Baran from Harvard University states, “That's one of my missions actually: to get people to understand race and reduce bias” (Baran & Herron). However, most people have not experienced the realizations that Pressner experienced. Or, if they have, they still might not understand bias. A couple of years ago a teacher overheard an explanation of my living situation and immediately said, “Really? You seem very well adjusted.” The teacher assumed good students lived with two biological parents. Although his assumption was incorrect, it proves that stereotyping occurs daily and can affect anyone. However, I did not understand that he was expressing his bias until very recently. Hence, it is easy to misunderstand bias. Other times, people believe that they are colorblind because of motivated reasoning. Thus, those who understand implicit bias must spread the word and explain to others how they can improve. No one is perfect nor colorblind. The future of society is in the hands of our youth. Therefore, it is imperative that our youth understand implicit bias and motivated reasoning. Then stereotypes and biases will finally be a thing of the past and humanity will move towards equality.
I love the way that you made your self portrait! It is super creative. The writing is very detailed and keeps the attention of the reader. I think you did a super good job on this project. :)
ReplyDeleteI think this piece, especially the flash fiction, is so great and captivating. I can feel the emotion throughout the piece with lines like "she had a good childhood". I can tell that you put a lot of thought and effort into this project and I think it pays off. Your essay is well thought out and overall this was SUCH an excellent project and I'm glad I got to read it!
ReplyDeleteAllyson, your piece is very deep and emotional. I am very moved from reading it and I see those struggles in your life, it really is, as you said, ultimately your decision to continue with gymnastics or not to. I will say, that if you do not continue, would you regret it later in life? also, from meeting your dad and just the way he spoke about you; it really gives me a deeper understanding of the struggle you have had to go through and I am sorry you are put in the middle of a bad situation. you are an amazing young woman keep it up! do what makes you happy!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't imagine if something happened to me that would end my career as a musician before it even begins. Like you I would try everything I could to keep doing what I love even if it means being in pain. I'm sorry you've had to struggle so much but I hope you can rise from this situation and make the best out of it!
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a really nice job with connecting your flash fiction to your portrait. The idea of having a grey area representing that you don't know what your future holds but you know it bright is a cool idea. I think a lot of people can find that relatable because it is hard to know what the future holds. I respect that you talked about the mental struggles you have experienced with your gymnastics career because it was probably not easy showing that side of you. Your flash fiction is well structured and the artist statement does a great job connecting and explaining your portrait. Great job on this project!
ReplyDeleteI love how well done and organized it is. Some hard work and heart was poured into this project I'm sure. I like how it focused on the premise of goal setting and sometimes achieving them and sometimes not. It seems that nowadays, more goals are left hanging rather than being achieved. You said that the flash fiction reflects on the struggle of never finishing a goal, especially when something big like a major injury, as you wrote, ruins that. I know firsthand about what that's like. When we did that personality test thing in the first few weeks of school, my specific group had a trait that talked about setting a lot of hard to achieve goals all at once. All my life I've done that and being the master procrastinator I am, it's really crappy when you don't get what you want done, I'm sure you know. The thing about goal setting is learning how to set them so you can achieve them. When you sit down to do something for a bigger project, think about what you want to get done that day, kind of like what we did with our to-do list for this project. One small but specific thing that you can get done that day to advance your progress. When you know what it is, do whatever you need to achieve it. Focus is key in these situations. I find it harder because I have ADD/ADHD and it's hard to focus on something for a long time and I get distracted easily. Keep doing what you love for as long as you can. Set small goals to achieve a bigger one. When one thing is done, celebrate, even for the small things. Every advancement, though small, is progress. "Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground." -Theodore Roosevelt
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you used your portrait to convey you feelings about growing up and moving on. I thought it was extremly creative that you did the middle photo in black and white to show that your current path is unclear, but your colored photo show that your future is bright. Your essay was also really well written, I especially like the part in your conclusion when you said "The future of our society is in the hands of our youth" and explained how it is important the we understand implicit bias and motivated reasoning in order to create equality.
ReplyDelete