The Voice Within

The Voice Within

Lindsey Hill

The Artist Statement

Both pieces are trying to illustrate how I feel when my depression is at the forefront of my mind. When it’s telling me how to act, how to feel, I feel alienated. Like I’m somehow on the outside of myself looking in, trying to understand how and why I became this way. I try to show this in my portrait by using a traditional portrait pose, or looking in a mirror. In both of my pieces I want to get across that I’m not willingly being depressed, but it’s so strong I don’t know how to fight it. On my drawing I tried to put a little emphasis on my under eyes, to show how draining it’s become. I used mostly shadows, with little highlights in a monotone color. I am touching my face to symbolize how foreign I feel. Like how when people wake up in a different/dangerous environment in pop culture, they immediately touch their face to reassure themselves. In my flash fiction I tried to paint my depression as a abusive friend. How it breaks me down, and builds me up in a way suited to help my depression grow. It is a inner dialogue, inside my head like a pretend conversation. The flash fiction is happening during the image, reality is still while my depression and I fight. The work we have done so far this year didn't really influence my portrait much. It did help me narrow down what aspect of my personality I wanted to do this project on. Before this class, I already had a 16 personalities account. I did however, take the test again and got the same results. The test emphasized just how personal I take everything, even if it’s not directed at me.

Flash Fiction

7 o’clock. Wake up, get out of bed. ‘No, stay with me. You know you want to; deep down you just want to lay here. The world can go on without you, it doesn't need you.’ I can’t. I have responsibilities- ‘You can. Come on, don’t be a little bitch.’ But I have to get ready, life doesn't wait for me. ‘True, but you care too much. You should wear a sweatshirt, you look fine.’ But it’s really warm outside. ‘So? Do you want people to know what you did? Which is worse, suffering a little or letting the world know your secret?’ .... ‘You are going out looking like that?! You’re going to make it obvious something is off. Pull your sleeves down. Put on some makeup, not too much now. You don’t want people to think you are obviously hiding something. Don’t forget to cover your wrists. Brush your hair. Brush your teeth. You need to.’ Can I eat something? ‘Have you lost your mind!? You want to go back to that disgusting fat bitch you were before I came? I helped you. Look at you know, you are closer than ever to being the person you want to be. You are so ungrateful for all i've done for you. Without me you would be loathed by everyone and you know it. You know everyone hates you, but I make you tolerable. I’m the reason you are here.’ You are the reason I want to leave this world behind! I’m sick, I know that. But you are just making it worse. Just leave me alone! ‘Nice try honey. You can’t get rid of me. Who was there for you during the hardest part of your life? Me. I was there. I’m a part of you, always have been, always will be.’ Just shut up! Leave me alone! Get out of my head!

Reflection

How much control do we have in creating our own personality? A majority of students would say that they are in control of their personality. It’s common knowledge to students that personality is how you identify yourself, or stand out. Throughout this unit, many students were in awe just how much implicit bias plays a part in the shaping of personality. I believe that bias can affect personality.

One take on personality and bias is a show on NPR, on Hidden Brain Shankar Vedantam takes us through the episode called  “I’m Right, You’re Wrong”. Mr. Vedantam explains how we are hardwired to believe we are right: “Facts can sometimes strengthen pre-existing pretense”("Right") In explanation, our bias plays a part in our argument. Facts that we discover while searching to prove our argument can confirm our bias, in an argument we need a moral or emotional appeal. Another text that supports this is Verna Myers’s TED Talk on December 15th 2014 titled “How do we overcome bias? Walk boldly towards them”. Mrs. Myers explores the relationship between stereotypes and biases in our modern world. She says,“Biases are stories we make up about people before we even know who they are”(Meyers). In her speech she uses the example of Black males in the US and how biases contribute to the same blatant actions of racism towards theses men. Myers argues in today’s world we learn bias from school, to home, to friends and everywhere in between. It’s impossible to not have a bias, it’s human nature. Bias is not a personality trait, but something we can be aware of when we interact with others. She encourages us to walk towards our bias, and prove it wrong.

Throughout this unit I learned that implicit biases can be big or small. Implicit biases can be stereotypes, like how many people associate African Americans with violence. Before this unit, I didn't realize how many I had, and how they play into my personality. When I meet new people my brain automatically associates stereotypes about that person.  For example according to the test, I prefer younger people over older folks. At first I didn't understand why my bias was that way. After some reflection I came to realize that I feel more open and honest with people my age as opposed to people my parents age. I associate my generation as open and honest, we are not afraid to say what we think or how we feel. Whereas I associate older generations as secretive and telling the partial truth as opposed to the whole truth. One way my bias affects my personality is by how I act or outwardly project my opinions. With my peers, I find it really easy to just be myself. And not having to worry about being socially proper. But with older generations I find myself holding my tongue, being hesitant about expressing my opinion. In conclusion, my bias slightly changed my personality.