Clouded Mind - Gracie Smith

Why you shouldn't have written that in the first place

Do not write something that personal for a high school class. Even if it is for a grade. You’ll feel like

it is a great idea. First of all, they don’t need to know these secrets and fears. Secondly, you’ll bring

it to class, stomach tied in knots, terrified to even claim the writing as your own. Classmates will

wander in, a couple will sit in the corner laughing to themselves. The teacher with the short purple

hair and bangs will be jokingly arguing with the older, yet equally immature teacher. It would

normally be a situation where you could laugh but today, you will be petrified.

Because the class will start, and the teacher will ask for you to turn in your story. “It will be passed around to your classmates,” she says, “they will give you feedback” Your stomach will begin to twist. Your heart will pound. You’ll stare at your paper as it travels to the front and gets stuffed into the stack. You’ll pray that no one realizes that it is yours.

You will get the bad kind of butterflies, the ones that always come before something horribly embarrassing. When you whisper to the teacher, begging to go to the restroom, she won't hear you. Through your peripheral vision, you'll see someone holding up a paper, to show their friend, pointing and laughing. You'll think that couldn't possibly be anyone else's paper, that it has to be yours. They are laughing at you, they have to be. You will run your fingers through your hair and take a deep breath. Attempt to remind yourself it’s anonymous, that you are just working yourself up for nothing. But that will do nothing for your pounding heart.

When you finally manage to distract yourself, it’ll be calm for a moment. It will be dead quiet, and then you hear someone whisper, the panic will flood back into your mind. You will not let it go this time. They’ll keep whispering. You will realize that this was a terrible mistake. You'll feel like a 50-pound rock is sitting on your chest, they may not know it's yours but that doesn't change how vulnerable you feel. The whole time you will lie to yourself, you are okay. You are fine. Just a little overly anxious. But in your heart, you know you have lied to yourself. It will not make it better.

In a matter of seconds, it feels like an avalanche of rocks has landed on your chest. You’ll struggle to breathe and then every breath will be too short and then you won’t be able to breathe. You’ll see everyone staring. Staring at you. Watching you suffer, not knowing what to do. Tears will roll down your face, your hands will shake. You will be paralyzed from the fear and worry that has been nagging at you. During all of that you’ll be asking, why on earth did I have to write that in the first place?

Artist’s Statement

The image was created to express feelings of anxiousness. My body language is tense and tired, shown through slumped shoulders. My clothes are a bit disheveled, another simple thing to show exhaustion. Being tired and how strong feelings of anxiety are, are generally tied together because tiredness tends to increase anxiety and anxiousness can make you even more exhausted. In place of my face, a painting of clouds has been used instead. This is to symbolize how anxiety clouds my thoughts, making it hard to think clearly. A spotlight is pointed at me to symbolically show that I feel like all eyes are on me. The painting is also used because framed artwork is commonly observed by people and sometimes even judged. Feeling like people are watching or focusing on me and judging me is often what causes my feelings of anxiety. It also causes overwhelming self-consciousness and it becomes really hard to not focus on it.

My writing goes through my thoughts as anxiety slowly overtakes my thoughts, in the end resulting in an anxiety attack. The purpose is to show just how quickly it happens. I choose to use second person so it felt more personal, but could still be relatable. The relationship between the two is based on how they both reveal how my anxiety feels. While each message is slightly different they both show what it does to me and the varying intensity of my anxiety.

When it comes to the topic of personality, most of us readily agree that personality exists, since most people consistently respond with behaviors accurate to specific traits attributed to them.  Personality is a hotly debated topic in the psychology community, the big question right now is, is personality permanent? Some are convinced that it is indeed permanent. Psychologists have even gone as far as completely dismissing valid studies because they did not fit with the belief that personality is permanent. Because these professionals are convinced that it’s permanent, the majority of public tends to see no reason to disagree. This belief is displayed when people refuse to give others second chances, whether it because of a crime they committed in their youth or a petty reason, most people refuse to believe others can change. I personally agree with those who believe personality can change.

Christopher Soto, an associate professor of psychology and an active researcher in personality, discusses his beliefs on our ever-shifting personalities in Personality Can Change Over A Lifetime, And Usually For The Better. Soto strongly believes that personality does change, but that the changes happen gradually. The nature of our personality does not change all at once, and any sudden changes are indeed rare(Soto). While personality changes are still being researched, it is agreed that most people grow to be more conscientious, agreeable and emotionally resilient as they mature. He discusses a study focused on how people will change their personality to fit a position or job. Jobs that require hard work and focus create a stronger work ethic and betters your ability to focus (Soto). Circumstances often create a need for a personality change to better match it. Another way people often can make change their personalities is through personal effort and goalkeeping (Soto). Through both Soto’s and the others studies, despite public perception, it can be definitively said that personality does change.

Another author, Jeanna Bryner adds to the conversation by mentioning the studies of Carol Dweck, a psychologist from Stanford University. While she agrees that the five main personality traits are extremely important to a person’s character, the five-factor model just doesn’t grasp it all(Bryner). Dweck believes the implications of the twin studies that a majority of our personal views are based on are missing key components of personality (Bryner). They do not discuss “the in-between area” that makes up the crucial beliefs that people develop as they grow and learn(Bryner). Her studies have shown how one’s personality changes is related to that person’s attitude and mindset. If one has a fixed mindset about their personality, they will not bother to try a change (Bryner). They prefer to focus on proving the qualities attributed to them, rather than growing as a person (Bryner). Someone with a more dynamic view would do the opposite, they would be more willing to change (Bryner). This research furthers the idea that personality isn’t static.  

I agree with both authors that personality can and does change, that it likely relies on the effort you put in, and the mindset you approach it with. The dynamic mindset, the belief in yourself that you can change and you can grow, will help personality change. For example, in the invisibilia podcast, we learned about a prisoner named Dan from one Dehlia Cohen. He has a tattoo of the word hatred on his neck, almost impossible to miss. But Dehlia cannot believe Dan is hateful, because he comes across as “completely charming, playful, fast talking, fast thinking, very poetic,” and “creative”(“Personality.”). Dehlia finds out Dan is a convicted rapist and it shatters her view of him. She believed no one like that could ever be a good person. But, Dan spent years isolating himself and trying to get away from his criminal thoughts and behaviors, in an effort to become a better man. From his initial impression, you would have never thought he was a rapist. People can change, and Dan is just one example of someone who was willing to. Dan’s story connects heavily with Dweck's research. He made an effort to change, he changed his situation (as best he could), and he changed what he believed about himself. That is what gave him the ability to change. Not only does his change provide more support for Dweck’s research, but it can also be used in support of Soto’s discussion. He adapted to the job of being an organizer for a TEDx event, by becoming personable and charming and fast-paced to keep up with the needs for that. As a reminder, he did that while still in prison. Everything about Dan’s story points to the fact, personality can change. The evidence is overwhelming, Dan, Dweck, Soto, Bryner, Cohen, and I all agree, personality can change it is just about your willingness and the effort you make to make those changes.