Anxious

Flash Fiction: You like to learn. But you hate the anxiety and stress school brings you. Waking up every morning sick knowing you have to start getting ready for school. You tell yourself five more minutes won’t hurt, you need it. You finally wake up and start getting ready, thoughts running through your head “what if I have really bad anxiety today” “what if there’s a test over something I don’t know how to do”. But you tell yourself “you’ll be fine, school isn’t that bad”. The drive to school is fine. You enter the parking lot and the feel of school just makes things worse. Walking to class thoughts run through your head “You’re doing fine in this class” “One more day won’t effect anything”. Today you fight the thoughts and go to class but deep down you know you’ll be struggling to fight them all day. Your sitting in class trying to scramble what you missed and what we’re doing today, regretting all those times you couldn’t make it to class. School wasn’t always like this for you, you use to go to class, until last year second semester. Maybe it was the friends you hung around with, or the bad hits of anxiety and depression, or your mom getting sick. You don’t really know, all you know is you know how to stop it.

Artist Statement: This is a conversation that sometimes goes on in my head when I have anxiety about a class. I’m trying to show the thoughts that run through my mind and how difficult they can be for me. The main purpose for me writing about my anxiety with class is because it’s the major anxiety I’m dealing with right now and my anxiety shapes a big part of how I act and see things. When I have anxiety, I feel like a whole different me, I can’t think right, I can’t speak as well, my vision feels like it goes tunnel, it’s like my brain goes into a mode and doesn’t switch until it’s ready and sometimes that can take a while.

One Pager: I would describe me as goofy, kind, girl with an attitude but all that goes out the window when I’m anxious. Our core belief system shapes the way we see the world, like distorted lenses. In the article “Different Perspectives” it explains that our childhood experiences shape the way we see things. In my childhood I was never great in school, I was always behind and not great with making friends, elementary all the way to the grade I’m currently in. I was never really part of the “crowd” and when I started to notice I started to become more to myself and quiet and anxious about the things I do. This isn’t what led to the anxiety with class, but I think it’s what started the anxiety with school in general. Everyone sees school as something else some see it as an escape, an experience, a requirement. I see school as the stomach dropping feeling I get when I think about class or my grades or feeling like I can’t breathe when I don’t understand something, the face my teachers make when I finally show up to class.  Those images and feelings affect me day to day and eventually that will become a past experience that will affect my personality.